E11 – Childhood Trauma and “People-Pleasers” in Adulthood

Many of us have experienced times when we’ve gone out of our way to make others happy—agreeing to things we didn’t really want, or putting aside our own needs to keep the peace. But what if this people-pleasing habit goes deeper than we realize? For many adults, the drive to please others is more than just a personality quirk; it’s a learned response rooted in childhood trauma. Growing up in environments where love and safety felt conditional can lead us to develop people-pleasing as a survival strategy—a way to secure approval, avoid conflict, or simply feel valued.

So, if you’ve ever felt caught in a cycle of trying to make others happy, this one’s for you—let’s learn how to break free and reclaim our voices.

When I was a little girl, my dad paid me little attention. My dad worked full-time as an engineer in the oil and gas industry. He was gone most of the time, working. My dad was an overseas engineer, that meant that his work was done abroad. From the time I was 2 years old, we had already lived in Saudi Arabia and Scotland. 

When my dad received a new work assignment, we were to relocate within a very short period of time. I am talking– weeks. In a matter of weeks we would get the announcement from my dad, we were moving, AGAIN. We never lived in one place for more than 4 years and the shortest length of time we lived somewhere was in Argentina, and we lived there for 8 months. After my dad let the family know we were relocating, we had movers come in and box up our entire house then a week later we were in a new home and the movers were there to move us in. 

The hardest part for me was missing my friends and the shock that came with abruptly relocating to new countries/cultures. I really struggled with regulating my emotions and I cried, A LOT. I cried when my dad told us we were moving, I cried when we traveled to the airport, I cried when we got to the new house because I was nervous about being the new kid at school. I cried at school because I have a learning disability (ADHD) and I struggled to grasp school material and would at times, cry at school. I cried at least 300 times during homework sessions with my dad, primarily in high school. My dad could not understand what I didn’t get, what was so “hard” to understand. (Are you an idiot? –this thought lives rent free in my head– that’s how he made me feel).

I suffered from crying spells most of my childhood. No one tried to talk to me about my feelings and that made it very difficult to stop crying, once I started. I was extremely dysregulated. The main issue with my crying spells was that my dad would reprimand me. I was actually verbally abused because I wasn’t understanding my school work. On top of that, I was being punished for any time I expressed my sadness, my distress. I remember a lot of dirty looks from my dad in these moments. It made me feel small, insignificant and unwanted. 

When we moved to Texas in 99’ I distinctly remember that morning sitting at the dining room table, sobbing as I tried to eat my cereal. We were living in an apartment while our house was being built. I remember my dad’s look of contempt, his facial expressions still haunt me, and are hard to forget. He looked at me with disgust, that’s how I felt. Whether or not he did this, I am sure he would argue but this is my story and my experience. He doesn’t have to agree. I know my feelings are valid. I am sure he would just call me “dramatic”. My dad’s abuse was subtle because it was mental abuse, and emotional neglect. In those moments when I needed comfort, understanding, and compassion, he showed me contempt, he showed me disgust. He made me feel like a piece of shit.

I would say it was mostly my dad’s emotional neglect that was most harmful to me growing up. It was the teasing, he would mock me when I was crying because I would cry so hard to the point where I couldn’t breathe properly. I would be sobbing (I have always had BIG feelings). I was already dealing with an ADHD diagnosis, where it is known that non-divergent people struggle to regulate their emotions.

I remember one time, my dad and my brother were making fun of my baby doll (that I would sleep with). They were squishing her head and banging her head on the wall, and I was there crying, and they were laughing. Bless my brother, he was not in the wrong here. He was probably 7 or 8 and I was 10 or 11. My dad is responsible because he was the adult in this situation. Instead, he was a bully (at times). 

The hardest part and this really highlights my dad’s generational trauma, it was the times that me and my brother would be fighting in the car (we traveled a lot), and he would pull over the car just to berate us. Before my dad started reprimanding us–, it was as soon as we got out of the car– I was already crying. He hadn’t even started yelling at us and I was in tears. He would get SO-O mad at me. He would make threats like, “I WILL GIVE YOU A REASON TO CRY!” or “I’LL SPANK YOU SO HARD YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK!”… he would say those things to me and my brother!! 

At age 8 I was diagnosed with a learning disability, ADHD. Do you know what causes ADHD? Development delays; due to trauma to the brain. I can’t make this stuff up. Did childhood trauma perpetuate my ADHD diagnoses? It makes you wonder…

As an adult, I can now see and understand that my crying was actually a trigger for my dad. Every time I started crying, he was triggered. Then the yelling followed, or the threats to take off his belt was threatened. His threats were mostly empty, I think he hit us with the belt only a handful of times. He threatened my brother and I like this up until I was a teenager. It is clear to me now that he experienced childhood trauma, too. My dad “learned” this abuse from someone else, someone did it to him. Just like se**** abuse, it is learned. It is passed down in each generation unless the cycle is broken. 

It is not my goal to bash my dad. But I am trying to point out the fact that my dad’s emotional abuse and neglect caused me to have low self-worth and also turned me into a “people pleaser”. I did not know what was going on as a child and I remember just wanting him to “like” me. I was eager and quick to comply and to make him happy. And this behavior has continued up until now. I now have a “people pleasing” mentality and I absolutely dislike this about myself. It is a learned response, it is a survival strategy—a way to secure approval, avoid conflict, or simply feel valued.

Homework nights at my house were exceptionally horrid, my dad would become VERY upset when I did not understand the material. Do you know what this caused me to do? Because in my heart I knew I was not being malicious or “not paying attention” on purpose, I WAS trying. But my dad would accuse me of “messing with him”, he would yell at me (with blood shot, blue eyes, wide, angry, FLABBERGASTED), he would say, “WHAT DON’T YOU GET?” I didn’t know what to do, there were times when I would lie and I would say I understood just to keep the peace. But he would test my knowledge and when he discovered I was lying he would get so mad at me. There was so much crying on those homework nights. 

Homework nights were ROUGH and that was the case my freshman and sophomore years of high school. Once I got into my junior year, I got by, by cheating. I cheated on my homework, spelling tests, exams, etc. I was sick of being punished for something that was not my fault. I knew that he was an a**. He had such little patience for me. My dad is very smart, especially in math and science. He could not understand how I didn’t “get it”. He “gets it”, so why don’t I?!

My dad would also make other remarks, like “if you had two brain cells, they could be friends!”, one of his go-tos was “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know”, he was cocky when he would make that remark. One of the most hurtful ways he responded to me was when I was trying to think of an answer to a question, and he would say to me, “don’t hurt yourself”, like, “don’t hurt yourself “thinking”. He actually made fun of me when I was trying to think of an answer to a question. It is so backwards. The fact is, my dad was a bully, sometimes. He is still a bully, sometimes. 

My dad’s older brother (my uncle) was a bully to my dad. My dad’s brother made life for my dad pretty miserable at times. My dad’s father (my grandpa) was a verbally abusive alcoholic. And I am willing to bet money that my great-grandpa was emotionally abusive too. Do you see the pattern of generational abuse? I just want to note, this does not make his behavior, his brother’s behavior OR his dad’s behavior “acceptable”, “warranted”. There is generational trauma from my dad’s side. My dad, just like me, suffered from childhood trauma. Oh, the irony! Or not.. 

As an adult, one of the many things I dislike about myself is how I am a “people pleaser”, how I am “approval seeking”. I am almost 40 years old and I still struggle with this. I am always worried about people liking me and will go out of my way to keep the peace, I will agree to do things that I don’t want to do. I have a really hard time saying “no”. I take on tasks that I do not have the time or energy for. 

Sometimes my people-pleasing behavior can come off as “sucking up” or being a “teacher’s pet”. It can make me appear to be an “overachiever” and to be honest, it has propelled me into being an overachiever, and perfectionist especially when it comes to school work or job assignments. I will go over and beyond my scope of work sometimes. I hunger for that approval. That approval that I yearned for as a little girl. My childhood trauma has caused me to be this type of person.

People pleasing is a learned response, it is a survival strategy—a way to secure approval, avoid conflict, or simply feel valued.

Side note: The silver lining–when I started my junior year in high school, I was put on ADHD medication (adderall) and that changed my life! In 2004, it was my Senior year, I received the “Phoenix Award – for Most Improved Student since Freshman Year”. I received this award out of 780 students! I then went on to Community College where I had to take a ton of remedial classes due to the fact that I never took the SATs (I skipped that day). 

After three years of Community College, I applied to Texas State University – San Marcos where I obtained my 4 year degree, BA in Mass Communication with a concentration in Advertising and a minor in Graphic Design. During my senior year of college I received an award for “Best Graphic Design Poster – La Feria del Mariachi”. It was actually an extra credit assignment in my International Studies class. It was for the School of Music. I am proud of that award! I had no intention of trying to win, I just wanted the extra credit. But my point is, I went on to do some really great things but that doesn’t “fix” the childhood trauma…

But guess what? Who was there to support me financially in my studies? My dad. My dad paid for all of my Community College , 3 years of my undergraduate studies, books and my apartment. He bought me a brand new Kia Spectra right before I left for University.  My dad’s love language is “gifts”. My dad has always communicated his love for me with monetary means. I am forever grateful that my dad put me through college. But that does not deflect from my childhood trauma. It doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t erase that from my memory. And it doesnt change the fact that childhood trauma still affects me in adulthood. 

I am not interested in blasting anyone or pointing fingers at anyone. I am simply documenting my healing journey in this blog. I am 38 years old and I just now beginning to heal. I did not know I had childhood trauma until last year. I am simply trying to show you what childhood trauma looks like and how it can present itself in adulthood (when trauma is not processed). 

My brother ended up cutting off both of my parents and he was aware of his childhood trauma. My brother is dealing with abandonment issues, he was not a cry baby like me LOL. My dad was hard on him too and would bully him. My brother recently contacted me after being estranged for 4 years. We are both trying to pick up all of the pieces and live a healthy life absent of generational trauma. My brother and I are both working hard to process our childhood trauma. One day at a time!

This blog is going to follow my healing journey, and I am here to tell you like it is, from my perspective. This is my experience and my feelings which are both valid. I am simply writing this in hopes that it helps someone or inspires someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that healing is possible! And to also educate people that trauma lives in the body, it is in our biological makeup. Now is the time to break this generational trauma!

If you made it this far, thank you for your time! Leave a comment if you feel compelled to, I would love to hear your feedback!